


now it's hard to hold on to anything, when there's holes in the palm of your hand

by snowglobegays



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Eating Disorder, Gen, If You Squint - Freeform, Insecure Louis, M/M, Multi, OT5, Sad, Sad Louis, Sick Louis, Uni AU, all angst, eating disorder Louis, hanging end, he wears it in sex, if youve read my other works you may understand, implied bottom Louis, it's barely there, like in elf, like it doesnt all drw to a close, louis centric, louis is insecure so he develops an eating disorder but his boys dont notice, louis is perfect to me, mentions of louis in nighties, niall tops over zayn duh, normal 1d, really hard, sad 1d, some smut, sorry - Freeform, that thing, theyre all caught up in life, yee, ziall fuck, zianourry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-18 16:34:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2355155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowglobegays/pseuds/snowglobegays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a one shot where louis has an eating disorder and the boys don't find out until he's gone</p>
            </blockquote>





	now it's hard to hold on to anything, when there's holes in the palm of your hand

**Author's Note:**

> I originally thought of this as an alternate ending to Fading, but I'm not gonna use anything from Fading bc it's too perfect to be tainted by my writing so i did it ot5. my thoughts were like what if harry hadnt found out and louis had died before he knew? that's what this is based off of.

He first noticed during sex. He had Harry and Liam pounding into him with Zayn and Niall fucking over him. He noticed how his thighs jiggled with each thrust. He noticed how his stomach rolled when he curled up when his prostate was hit. He noticed how his muscles were childish compared to his boys'. _And he hated it._

 

After recovering from his orgasmic haze, Louis ran to the showers and cried. It had hit him like ton if bricks how _fucking ugly_ he was. Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he picked out his flaws one by one. Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Nose. Eyebrows. How his eyes weren't quite green like Harry's or deep blue like Niall's.

_And he hated it._

 

Louis stayed in bed all the next day, letting his boys pamper him. They brought him food, drinks, entertainment, kisses, cuddles, anything he asked for. he let them assume whatever they wanted as to what was up; he didn't like to be pampered. today, however; he just needed to be loved.

 

Right as all the boys fell asleep, Louis asked for one more thing. "One more tiny favor babes... please." When nobody responded, as they were all asleep, he continued. "A body I can love."

 

He fell asleep with tears on his cheeks and a frown on his face.

 

-

 

Waking up to a blasting alarm, Louis looked over to see the time. "Shit!" He yelped, jumping out of their shared bed.

 

Niall sat up groggily. "Wha…? Lou come back to bed!"

 

Frantically digging through his drawers, he shook his head quickly. "I've got class in five minutes, I can't be late!"

 

Harry bolted awake at the sound of the eldest’s panicked voice. "Want me to make you breakfast? I don't have class until 11," he offered, beginning to climb out of bed, tossing the covers on his sleeping boyfriends, Niall already dozing off.

 

Louis shook his head, buttoning his pants. "No time, gotta dash, love you all!"

 

-

 

It was Monday, meaning Louis had back to back classes all day. He didn't have any snacks or lunch, and hated to admit it, but being hungry felt good. Louis relished the feeling on his stomach eating itself. In film class, his stomach rumbled and it felt better than any meal he had eaten. Through performing arts, his head spun and he felt more alive than he had ever felt before.

 

"Hey, Lou, we're stopping for dinner on the way home, you wanna join?" Stan from dramatics asked.

 

Louis shook his head. "I've got a boy at home cooking for me. He's the head of his culinary class and everything he makes phenomenal."

 

Stan shrugged. "See ya, mate!"

 

On an impulsive decision, Louis lingered at school for an hour, his phone dead and stomach tossing quietly. When he made his way home, he was met by a tall, tan figure picking him up and swinging him around into the warm house. "You're home!" Zayn cheered.

 

Louis giggled happily, kissing Zayn lovingly on the cheek, pulling off with a smack.

 

"Why were you out so late babe? Didn't your class end an hour ago?" Liam asked, leaning on the wall and watching Zayn rock Louis in his arms.

 

Louis nodded, secretly ecstatic that Liam knew when his class was supposed to end. "Some of my class mates took me out for dinner. I knew there wasn't gonna be a big meal so I already ate."

 

Liam nodded and the three sampered to the couch for a cuddle and a movie. Niall and Harry quickly joined. 

-

 

That's how it went for 8 months. Summer came and went and Louis kept the food he ate per day as small, healthy snacks once or twice a day. He loved the feeling of hunger even more, waiting after each snack to feel his guts twisting, searching for more nutrients to digest.

 

He had gotten alarmingly thinner, but all Louis saw were thick thighs, a bulging stomach, and flabby arms. The boys had developed a slight kink for Louis in women's nighties, Louis taking advantage of this and hiding his body from view, not wanting to burden his loves even more with abstinence.

 

-

 

"First day of our last year at uni boys!" Louis cheered, snapping pictures of them and kissing them all lightly, lovingly. "Don't be late to however many classes you have today, be safe, I'll be ready to celebrate when I get home later!"

 

Louis ushered his boys out of the door, shooing them to class. Once they were all out of the door, Louis slumped against the wall. His first class was later in the day, and he needed a rest. His joints ached, his back hurt, and his head pounded.

 

And he was _starving_.

 

Louis thought he wanted to eat but he knew he really didn't. He knew that if he did, he'd hate himself a ~~little~~  lot more. So, he busied himself cleaning the house.

 

The bathroom was immaculate, the floors sparkling, beds made, laundry done, kitchen organized, dishes clean, and Louis was _tired_. He was standing in the kitchen after putting away the last cup when the first sign that something was not right came. He was _dizzy_ and the world was _spinning_ and everything was _crazy_ and _blurry_ and _technicolor_ but _black and white_ and he was so so confused and _so so_ _scared_.

 

Louis clutched a counter edge to keep himself standing, but the whirlwind of nausea wasn't dying down.

 

He stepped forward to head to the couch to lay down and sooth his pounding skull, but he lost his balance. He fell to the ground and banged his head on the counter with a loud _thump_ and a sickening _crack_.

 

_**And Louis Tomlinson was gone.** _

 

-

 

Now, it's not like Harry, Niall, Liam, and Zayn had never noticed Louis's weight loss. It's not like they hasn't realized that he wasn't eating much with them anymore, making sure his schedule clashed with theirs and waking up late to avoid breakfast. It wasn't like they didn't notice anything, it was just. _They didn't notice_. Harry had been so concentrated on passing his classes and perfecting his techniques that he didn't realize that Louis never cleaned his sampling plate. Niall had been so excited about his job at the zoo and his degree that he hadn't realized that Louis never ate when his boyfriends visited him on the job. Liam had been so worried about staying in shape and training that he didn't realize that Louis never ate the full, healthy breakfast he prepared. Zayn had been so concerned about his artwork not making it, so stressed over the graphic novel he was hired to draw, that he never noticed that Louis would stay up with him and bring him food to concentrate but never ate himself.

 

They had been so worried about themselves and their own ambitions that they didn't pay attention to Louis or his struggles.

 

 _(Selfish_ , they would tell themselves years into the future. _Selfsh, so selfish. He was so selfless. He saved you and all you did was pay attention to yourself. **Selfish**.)_

 

Harry had, however, decided to make a special meal he knew Louis loved for dinner that night to apologize for slightly ignoring him. Niall was allowed to take home a hedgehog, something Louis always wanted, from the zoo so he could spend bonding time with Louis, teaching him how to care for it. Liam was told that breaks and treats were allowed and he was going to relax his schedule for the rest of the year to chill with his boyfriends. Zayn had finished volume one of the graphic novel and wasn't needed for the next one quite yet, so he had some free time he set aside for Louis.

 

-

 

"I found this amazing new cake recipe I know Louis would love so in going to make it tonight because he's been doing so much for me and I don't know if I'd be able to do any of this without him," Harry chattered to his boys as he drove the four of them home.

 

"Yeah, I'm excited to show him this bad boy here. Lou's a bit of a hedgehog himself, isn't he?" Niall grinned, lifting the cage to his eyes. "Her name’s Sophia. Real beauty, and she's super sweet."

 

"Well I'm going to sleep in with him tomorrow because I don't have to take it so hard every day now. He deserves a cuddle in the mornings before rushing around," Liam remarked, already looking forward to sleeping and cuddling with his littlest, most precious boy.

 

"He won't have to stay up with me anymore; I bet he'll be happy. I also bet he's gonna be the first to buy the book when it's out," Zayn cuddled into Liam, also anticipating sleep with the smallest of his boyfriends.

 

Harry pulled into the driveway, frowning when he saw Louis's car still there, sitting unused in the driveway. "Hey, isn't he supposed to be in class right now?" He asked, worry clawing at his throat.

 

_Something was wrong._

 

Zayn sat up quickly, feeling something horrible forming in his gut already.

 

_Something was wrong._

 

"I don't feel right, lads," Niall whispered.

 

_Something was wrong._

 

The other three murmured agreements.

 

_Something was wrong._

 

"Maybe he fell asleep," Liam suggested meekly, trying to stay positive.

 

_Something was wrong._

 

They slowly climbed out of the car.          _Something was wrong._      Liam held zayn and Niall's hands as they walked.               _ **Something was wrong.**_ Harry went in first and walked to out his new recipe book in the kitchen.

 

**_Something was most definitely wrong._**

 

**_-_ **

 

_They would never forget that scream._

**Author's Note:**

> title from Fool Me by Neon Jungle (i love those girls so much man) 
> 
> comments and kudos are very appreciated! :))


End file.
